Sweet Essence

  It's been 3 years since my world was turned upside down. It's been 3 years since I lost my community. It's been 3 years since I questioned my belief. It's been 3 years since I left a church that I spent 18 years a part of. During these 18 years, I didn't see the control they had on me and my children's lives.  It's been over a year since I wrote anything. I'm not sure why I stopped writing maybe because I was so passionate about my faith and about God that  I couldn't take the grief for the loss of both.  Well, I wouldn't say I have lost the belief in God altogether but I question religion more regularly. I do find grace more in this loss of religion. I think at the end; my heart was screaming GRACE it was prevalent in my writings and journal entries. I was also screaming out for PEACE, JUSTICE, and FELLOWSHIP.

I started listening to The Cult Nextdoor with Mattie Lasiter and Ashleigh Teeter and I realized I wasn't the only one screaming silently in my heart for this. My Past Religion or Past Church has harmed so many people in silence. My faith started changing before I left this small congregation. I was pushing back at the end somewhat regularly.   I think of the turning points and realize that there were many at the end. I also question why I couldn't see this earlier.  I'm past that after a year of therapy though.  It's not just black and white or good and evil in my life now it's grey. If you were part of my congregation this statement was poison You were moving away from God if you lived in the grey area and sometimes this was even worse than leaving God altogether.  This isn't the case in my life now many decisions are made in the grey area. I want to say I'm more open-minded but I find myself still struggling with certain things or the old religion creeps up in my head and makes me fall hard sometimes.  

 The environment at church was to line up with our standard or you weren't acknowledged. Do you know how lonely it is to be surrounded by a congregation and not be acknowledged?  This was done regularly to correct your sin and it was used with many people for correction. Nowadays when I visit a congregation I prefer the view from the outer pews not becoming connected because of the fear of manipulation, of being controlled or just the fear of loss. 

Sweet Essence

It's been a little bit since I have shared my thoughts on Smalltowns.  The last time I wrote, I was in a congregation and growing insecure in my faith more and more.  As of right now I find myself in a hallway as CS Lewis so eloquently states in "Mere Christianity".  I started this book for the fourth time but in quite a different season in my life. I believe this is the first book I read which is quite peculiar because I thought I gave it to someone else to read.  Not sure why it came back in my possession but I'm grateful. I get to glance at my thoughts as a baby christian and compare it to my thoughts now and see if I still agree.  One of my favorite quotes is just in the Preface at the beginning.  I wrote on the side of this quote, "that God can move such words inspires me."  

"I hope no reader will suppose that "Mere Christianity"  is here put forward as an alternative to the creeds of the existing communions -- as if a man could adopt it in preference to Congregationalism or Greek Orthodoxy or anything else. It is more like a hall out of which doors open into several rooms. If I can bring anyone into that hall I shall have done what I attempted.  But it is in the rooms, not in the hall, that there are fires and chairs and meals."  (Mere Christianity; CS Lewis)

This last statement was hard for me to dwell on because I remembered the last two years of my so called room and realized that my room was empty for me and I was starving because of the lack of care. I find that the  hallway is a good place for me at this time because I can wonder in and out of different rooms and the Lord gives me fellowship with people that are like minded and sometimes in the sweetness I get fed and get comfy in a chair close to the warm fire. My heart rejoices in these moments sometimes it's just a sweet fellowship among friends dwelling on the Greatness of the Lord.

My prayer today; Heal hearts today let the broken reside in You, fix our sharp edges and help us to bring forth a clear image of you Lord. 

Smallltown's Top 10

Chris Renzema "Jacob"

Tow'rs "Girl in Calico"

Message to Bears "You are a Memory"

Maverick City Music " You Keep on Getting Better"

City of the Sun, "Intro" Cover The XX

Noah Gundersen "Blossom"

Tom Walker, " Leave a Light On"

Ben Abraham, " To Love Someone"

Jon Thurlow, "There in the Middle"

Salt of the Sound, "O Come O Come Emmanuel"

Smalltowns Top 10

The Liturgists, Vapor

David's Tent; No Longer Slaves 

Pour It Out/Break Every Chain(Medley); Vineyard Worship

Abby Gundersen; Light In Between 

Miracle; Mosaic 

Caspian; Gone in Bloom and Bough

Augustines, Weary Eyes

Tony Anderson, Younger

Olafur Arnalds, The Weight of Darkness

Ben Abraham, This is On Me

Sweet Essence

The Sweetness of the Lord can enter a moment of your day, just a glimpse of how precious the Lord is and how His love is overflowed.   Just by the quiet moments in prayer for a complete stranger and the spirit moves.  Oh that my mouth would acknowledge someone with a faint heart on hard times but silence is my foretaste today. Such a sad moment when God gives you a moment to bless someone with goodness of His presence by just a word but a lost opportunity.  Oh Lord that you would help me with this and forgive me for the missed moment today. Guide my mouth in every moment of every day.
Slush

Smalltowns Top 10

Bri; My hands are Lifted Up/ Make me Over 

Dermont Kennedy; Boston 

God is an Astronaut, Fragile

David Leonard, Share this Burden 

Judah and the Lion; Our Love

Josh Sherman; Psalm 23 

Bon Iver; I Can't Make You Love Me 

Explosions in the Sky; Postcards 

Ben Howard; Depths over Distance 

Josh Baldwin, The War is Over 

Sweet Essence

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Go ahead, praise the Lord, all you loving servants of God! Keep it up! Praise him some more! For the glorious name of the Lord is blessed forever and ever. From sunrise brilliance to sunset beauty, lift up his praise from dawn to DUSK! 

For he rules on high over the nations with a glory that outshines even the heavens.  No one can be compared to God, enthroned on high!  He stoops down to look upon the sky and the earth. He promotes the poor, picking them up from the dirt, and rescues the needy from the garbage dump.  

He turns paupers into princes and seats them on their royal thrones of honor. God's grace provides for the barren ones a joyful home with children so that even childless couples find a family. He makes them happy parents surrounded by their pride and joy. That' the God we praise, so give it all to Him!

Psalm 113 

No wonder God considered David a man near to his heart, you can hear his love for God in these words.  Beautiful so beautiful, my heart has been here the last couple of months.  Something that has been somewhat dormant in me is coming outward in praise; by singing loudly, dancing, jumping, and joy that is overwhelming at times. This started about a month when a spontaneous worship service sprang up between a few people in our church. This was a moment when I knelt down before the Lord in praise. Don't get me wrong I kneel before him in my secret place praying my heart desires and thankfulness towards Him but kneeling before him in praise has been very few times. This moment wouldn't have happened without my brothers in Christ kneeling down in humbling love for their creator.  Once, I knelt down I felt such joy and His goodness pouring from in front of me and feeling His presence to the side of me and even pouring out of myself.  God's love was surrounding us with such joy and the power of unification it was painful at times.  I love when God comes in and just surrounds you and provides healing.  Healing was provided and our praise hasn't stopped.  I even groan for it like this Psalm screams out Praise Him and give it all we are made for it.  Love Him, for He deserves all of you!