Sweet Essence

  It's been 3 years since my world was turned upside down. It's been 3 years since I lost my community. It's been 3 years since I questioned my belief. It's been 3 years since I left a church that I spent 18 years a part of. During these 18 years, I didn't see the control they had on me and my children's lives.  It's been over a year since I wrote anything. I'm not sure why I stopped writing maybe because I was so passionate about my faith and about God that  I couldn't take the grief for the loss of both.  Well, I wouldn't say I have lost the belief in God altogether but I question religion more regularly. I do find grace more in this loss of religion. I think at the end; my heart was screaming GRACE it was prevalent in my writings and journal entries. I was also screaming out for PEACE, JUSTICE, and FELLOWSHIP.

I started listening to The Cult Nextdoor with Mattie Lasiter and Ashleigh Teeter and I realized I wasn't the only one screaming silently in my heart for this. My Past Religion or Past Church has harmed so many people in silence. My faith started changing before I left this small congregation. I was pushing back at the end somewhat regularly.   I think of the turning points and realize that there were many at the end. I also question why I couldn't see this earlier.  I'm past that after a year of therapy though.  It's not just black and white or good and evil in my life now it's grey. If you were part of my congregation this statement was poison You were moving away from God if you lived in the grey area and sometimes this was even worse than leaving God altogether.  This isn't the case in my life now many decisions are made in the grey area. I want to say I'm more open-minded but I find myself still struggling with certain things or the old religion creeps up in my head and makes me fall hard sometimes.  

 The environment at church was to line up with our standard or you weren't acknowledged. Do you know how lonely it is to be surrounded by a congregation and not be acknowledged?  This was done regularly to correct your sin and it was used with many people for correction. Nowadays when I visit a congregation I prefer the view from the outer pews not becoming connected because of the fear of manipulation, of being controlled or just the fear of loss.